Talk Show.

Disclaimer: I don’t own Pokémon, and I don’t watch talk shows. They are the sole realm of the unintelligent, no offense, and of mums when the kids are at school and there’s nothing better to do except clean...

Summary: When Ash and Misty start fighting more than usual, Brock puts them on TV to force them to work things out.

Speech. Commercials. Host.

“Welcome to Squabbling Trainers, the talk show where we help trainers who have issues with each other, get over them. I’m your host, Aconite Wolfsbane. Let’s meet our guests.”

“Today, we’re going to meet two young kids who have been best friends for some time now. They met when he stole her bicycle to rush his injured Pikachu to a Pokécenter, and she chased after him. They are here to try to resolve their differences, with some help from us, and of course, a couple of mutual friends. Here they are, let’s hear it for Ash Ketchum, of Pallet Town... and Misty Williams, of Cerulean City!” The audience applauded as a boy with scruffy black hair, wearing blue jeans and a jacket walked out on one side of the stage, balancing a Pikachu on his right shoulder. From the other side of the stage, a slim red-haired girl in a yellow tank top, blue shorts and red suspenders walked out carrying a small, egg-like Pokémon, frowned at the boy, and pointedly ignored him as she sat down, keeping an empty chair between them.

“Now, can you tell us why you feel the need to fight with each other? Let’s start with you, Ash.”

“Well, she treats me like dirt, she always yells at me for no reason, is really vicious and brutal towards people, calls me names, and never shows me any respect...”

“Hah, YOU never get any respect?!” Misty snorted, crossing her arms.

“Now Misty, I’m afraid you’re going to have to wait your turn. Please Ash, continue...” Ash nodded and briefly poked his tongue at Misty before continuing.

“Well, she always makes me feel like I can’t do anything right, that no matter what I do, it’s wrong, or I’m stupid for even trying. She’s always waking me up with a Water Gun. And she’s always going on about that dumb bike of hers. It wasn’t even that great anyway... just ‘cause it got burnt to a crisp... I said I’d pay her back... If I could, I’d give it back right now, just to get her to leave me alone. She’s a complete pain in the...”

“Okay, I think I’ll stop you there now... Misty, how about you? Why do you feel like arguing with Ash all the time?”

Misty reached into a pocket and pulled out a slip of paper. “Oh, let’s see now, shall we?” She started to read off the page. “He calls me a scrawny runt, never acts as if I’m as good a trainer as he thinks he is, gets us lost in the middle of bug infested forests, when he KNOWS how I feel about bugs... he seems to think that if he wasn’t around, I’d just, fall apart, and be completely unable to cope.” She raised her head and looked proudly at the camera. “But I’m from the Cerulean City Gym, I don’t need looking after. I CAN go more than a few seconds without someone telling me just how unattractive I am. If I wanted to be insulted on a daily basis by a complete moron, let’s face it, I’d hang out with my older sisters more often.”

Misty paused and pointed at Ash. “But no, I choose instead to hang out with him, not because he wrecked my bike, ‘cause I actually got over that ages ago... but because when he isn’t being a complete self-centred jerk, he’s actually a pretty nice guy... for about five minutes, anyway. And that’s not even mentioning the fact that he eats like a pig, burps loudly in your face, oh, and the reason I wake him up with Water Gun all the time, is because if I didn’t, he’d never have a wash. I oughta tell his mother...” she added under her breath.

“Okay, well, we’ll go to a commercial now, and when we return we’ll be hearing from a third party on the matter.”

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“Welcome back to the show. We have with us Ash, and Misty, two friends who just can’t stop arguing. Their fights have gotten to the point where their other friends simply cannot be around them anymore. Here is one such friend, Brock Harrison, of Pewter City!” A tall young man with short brown hair and a serious squint walked out from the same side of the stage that Ash had. He looked around and waved at the crowd, winking at a few girls, who had to race out of the studio to throw up in a hurry.

“Hey!” Brock walked out to the edge of the stage and started blowing kisses to the cameras. Misty sighed and stood up. “Here we go again...” she muttered to Ash who rolled his eyes and nodded. “Hello ladies, if you want a date, just call the station now, and... ahhh!” Misty shook her head as she grabbed his earlobe. “That’s enough Brock, you may love the camera, but the feeling isn’t mutual, believe me.” Misty dragged Brock over to the nearby empty chair, pushed him into it and sat back down.

“Er, okay, well, moving on... Brock, you were the one who signed Ash and Misty up for this, so let’s hear what you have to say about their fighting.” Brock stopped rubbing his stinging ear and cleared his throat.

“Well, every single time we’re between towns, at least two, maybe three times a week, they find some small detail to argue about. And who always ends up in the middle? Who always has to find some way to calm them down? Who has to stop it from becoming a fistfight? Me, that’s who! On top of that, I have to prepare all the meals, plan ahead for the trip, make sure they don’t sleep all day... The only time they forget about squabbling is when Ash’s Pikachu is in danger, usually because of Team Rocket. Then they actually work together to save him. They make a pretty good team, when they want to...”

“Okay, well, why do you think they argue so much?”

Brock opened his mouth, only to have a hand clamp down over it. “I’d think REAL hard about that answer, Brock.” Misty muttered. “Because if you say anything about that stupid theory of yours...” Brock gulped audibly as Misty’s hand came away. “Uh, I refuse to comment on that, without police protection that is...”

“And what theory would that be?”

Misty glared sideways at Brock, as if daring him to respond. “Nothing, just some stupid idea that he got from who knows where... Isn’t it about time you cut to a commercial again?”

“Oh, right. We’ll be back, right after these messages from our sponsors.”

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“And we’re back, once again with Ash and Misty, who have now been joined by their friend Brock.” Brock waved furiously at the crowd until Misty elbowed him in the ribs, causing him to double over in pain. “Okay, now, just out of curiosity, I have a question for Misty. You seem to be easily angered by Brock’s flirting... does this mean that you have a thing for him?”

“WHA?!” Misty shrieked and retched noisily behind Brock’s chair. “Are you nuts?! I’d rather kiss a Muk! Hell, I’d rather kiss a Caterpie than go anywhere near him!” She wiped her mouth and pointed a thumb in his direction.

Ash pulled a face. “Erk, who’d wanna kiss Brock?!”

“Hey!” Brock leaned back, crossed his arms and started muttering under his breath. “She didn’t have to be sick...”

“She’d have to be to kiss you...” Ash grinned, causing Misty to giggle. “Yeah, maybe on my death-bed...”

“Ahh, so you two can agree on something. Now we’re getting somewhere...” A man in a yellow uniform walked up and started mopping the mess behind Brock’s chair.

Misty glanced over at Ash. “Well, yeah, we are best friends, after all. Even if we don’t always get along...” Ash blushed. “Really? You think we’re best friends, Myst?” Misty shrugged and blushed. “Well, I know that I can never compete with the likes of Pikachu, but I think you’re my best friend... Even if you are a goofy little monkey boy...” Ash grinned. “Well, you’re my best friend too... Even if you’re mean, and crazy, and loud, and take all the hot water in the Pokécenter, and...”

“Okay, we get the idea... So, the question we all want to know is, why, if you’re best friends, do you fight?”

Ash and Misty shrugged and glanced at each other. “I dunno...” Misty smiled. “Well, if we didn’t, we’d have nothing else to talk about... Except how pathetic Brock can be around girls...” Ash smirked. “Yeah, I don’t even understand half the things he says to the girls he likes, but even I know that he sounds stupid and lame!”

“Hey!” Brock started to stand, but Misty grabbed his ear and pulled him back down. “Siddown, pervboy...”

“Okay, that looks like all the time we have for today. These two have agreed to disagree, and I’m not even gonna attempt to fix their friend here... Join us next time, where I help two more trainers reconcile their differences, here on Squabbling Trainers!”

This show was proudly brought to you by The Celadon Department Store, Kantos’ largest stockist of trainer supplies. Vermillion Cruises, sail in the Lapras of luxery, (when the ship doesn’t sink...) And of course, the Pokémon Tower, the best collection of fan based fiction on the internet!

Well, that turned out better than I thought it would! J Funnier than any talk shows I’ve ever had to watch...

PROFESSOR WOLFSBANE.

15-Sep-09.