Disclaimer: I do not own Pokemon or any of the characters, the belong to Nintendo and GameFreak
Rating: R - adult language, shounen-ai, various bad habits
Pairing: Ash and Gary
Warning: This is AAGRM fic. That means yaoi. You don't know what yaoi is? It means male/male relationship. You are disgusted by that? Turn around and leave. NOW. I have had enough of flames because some people are not open-minded.
Other warnings: bit OOC (what? it's my fic after all), bit of angst


To AAGRM lovers: I guess you knew this fic was coming up since I made some AAGRM pics for Tower and Forum. First there was just a request for that kind of art and it turned into pure interest. Mind that this is NOT my fave pairing. AAMRM will last forever. Just taking a break from usual shipping.
This turned out to be more angsty that I though. It's good though (at least in my friends opinion).

Biiiig thankies to Celebi for being my beta reader and that she helped me with my work. And the very first review. ^^
Oh, about Freya... yeah, I guess you're kinda' right. ^^*

Age:
Ash - 19
Gary - 21


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Things Unspoken
by Moya


I stare at you, barely meaning to hold the weight of your gaze as you pace back and forth on the red carpet of my very own office; You almost look like a wild animal suddenly locked up in the cage. I admire your features, dark brows knitted together in sign of frustration, raven-black hair spilling over your eyes in endless cascade, your dark eyes shining with sudden confusion and your mouth, almost in a worried pout while you try to sort out everything I have said and done to you.

Oh Ash, we are both so fucked up...

I smile, not with my usual, cocky smirk, but an actual genuine smile into which I pour all my love and loneliness, two completely different emotions that rage inside of me. You seem surprised, but you don't say anything, just continue to stare back at me.

I'm just so tired, Ash. Tired of making you chase after me. Tired of every painful word and gesture I made towards you. Now that I got all I ever wanted I should feel complete. I have the title of Master, I have glory and power...

No, it's not what I ever wanted. Those are your dreams. I wish I could have only one thing, one person that I need most right now, the person that could protect me from the feelings of insanity slowly creeping up on me.

I still don't have you.

"Why?" You ask, frustrated more then I could ever imagine. Do you... Do you really hate me so? Do I really make you burst out with hate and despair? No... I should have guessed. I drove you to that state with premeditation. But it still hurts to see all that negative emotions mixed up together in your eyes.

"Why?" You repeat and I find no proper words to give you answer. I just shrug my arms, my face hidden by brown bangs that fall over my eyes. You groan in anger again and storm out to exit. Just when your hand grabs the doorknob I suddenly have strength to choke out all my fears.

"Because..."


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


Oh, how I remember you very well. You were always cheerful, sending your smile to anyone who might have needed it. I began to be jealous for that smile, wanting you to save it for me. Only for me.

We were fishing in the river that runs near Pallet Town when I realised that you were slowly slipping out of my grasp.

"You know..." You said casually, just like no other meaning was hidden behind your words. "Next year I am going to get my own Pokemon from your grandpa and go on my own journey. Isn't that great?"

You sounded so carefree and happy, fishing out a Magikarp from river stream and gently throwing it back to where it belonged. Your words struck me with sudden realisation: in only one year you were going to leave Pallet.

Leave me.

"By the way, why haven't you started your traveling yet? You're older than me..."

How am I supposed to tell you that all the time I waited for you? Now you were about to leave. Then I started to wonder... Maybe all of this would have gone different if I had denied all the feelings I had towards you. Maybe if I cut from the pain I felt...

"You want me to go away that badly?"

You looked at me, startled and shook your head violently, until your black bangs flew over your face.

"No! Of course I don't! I don't want you to go, Gary. You are my best friend!"

I was still half-dazed by your words that send a tingling feeling straight to my stomach. Just like bunch of Butterflies suddenly decided to flutter their wings inside me... But you have already focused your attention on fishing pole again.

"Yeah." I whispered softly, running a hand through my brown hair. "I guess I am."

My worst nightmare was about to be fulfilled. I never really wanted to become a trainer. Sure, I loved Pokemon, just like my grandfather did, but I had delayed my journey for more than two years now and I didn't want to leave Pallet Town.

But that was what you always dreamed about. You were moving forward, constantly changing, while I still stood frozen in one place, waiting and accepting the fear of taking life in my own hands. I was unsure of my thoughts and dreams, finding a consolation and peace of mind in just watching you. But now you were about to disappear from me.

And I finally knew.

That day I promised myself that I will become Pokemon Master, no matter how hard it will be. I will be best trainer ever, so you wouldn't forget about me when you move on with your journey, with your new friends you will probably gain along the way. I wish we could go on together, but no trainers from one town joined in groups. Be sure of one thing... I won't allow you to forget me.

Because being forgotten... is worse than death.

You will chase after me, Ash Ketchum. If I can't make you love me, I will fill you with hate towards me. I will make you feel something, anything, even if it is envy or anger.

With that thought I smirked to myself and once again threw my bait into depths of the river.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


After that day I started to ignore you. It broke my heart to see you trying to talk to me so desperately. No matter what you said or done, I still haven't reacted. I even turned my back on you when you screamed my name, confusion, anger and sadness in your voice.

I know how you felt. You didn't understand why I acted the way I did. I don't blame you, I guess I didn't understand myself back then.

I had distanced myself from you, just to be sure you would seek a confrontation to gain answers to your never ending questions. I moved away from you, to have you close.

What an irony.

I remember passing you on the street without word, just when you opened your mouth to say something, to catch my attention. After you were ignored again you just burst into tears, painful words of hate spilling from your lips. That day, when you run away in shame, I thought I have lost you forever. You stopped trying to contact me, you moved away when your eyes accidentally met mine. Just like I never existed.

When we have met in my grandfathers laboratory we both gained our first own Pokemon. You were late, as always. So I took an opportunity and chuckled to myself when I have chosen Charmander from the three Pokemon offered to me. I perfectly knew you always wanted to have it. So I just gave you another reason to hate me.

It was so simple, to throw away everything you ever gave me. Throw away your friendship and trust you showed towards me. All of this I done with selfish need to protect myself, to protect my feelings. It didn't take much courage to surround myself with ice wall, cutting away all heat that could melt it. I hurt you, just for my own safety.

And for that... I beg you to forgive me.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


When you found yourself a girlfriend I thought I should be happy for you. I really should. But something deep inside me screamed in agony and sometimes it seemed that I will burst out with that terrible cry, unable to stop myself any more.

She was a beautiful girl, a little bit of tomboy, but nonetheless she was perfect for you. Nothing I could compare myself to. On those rare occasions when all of us met each other on our tracks I saw the way you looked at her. Oh, how I longed for that look, dreaming that it was directed only to me. But instead of telling you this I backed away again, teasing you without mercy. It was... easier that way. Surrounding myself with group of cheerleaders I denied the simple truth. The answer to all my questions and fears was right in front of me, in those deep brown eyes.

I think that is just my fate. I hurt everybody that gets to close to me. I hurt my sister and grandfather, starting my journey and setting off to travel without saying goodbye. I hurt the girls accompanying with me, giving them false hope for something more and a mere glimpse of my affection. And what is more important, I hurt you. In many ways, so many that I can't even count anymore.

But how could I ever admit it? Admit that I needed you so much it scared me to death? Because even if you returned my feelings, one day you would be gone. People can't stop it, they always disappear. I'd rather prevent myself from losing my dreams and not allow you to come any closer to me.

They say that love is just a state of mind and it can change easily. That it passes away everyday, that it is too fragile to last. For me, love is sick. Love is insane.

God, please... don't let me find the cure...


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


I don't know what happened to your relationship with that red - headed girl, but eventually you lost your contact with her after you came back to Pallet. You were back. That thought made my heart rise. For a short while I also considered coming back, but then I understood. You hated me, didn't you? I made you so myself. So what was the point of going back home? That was another of your strong sides, Ash. You always motivated me to move on, to never look back at my past and things that I did. And that was what I always wanted to do. To be few steps in front of you.

Eventually I achieved my ultimate goal. I cam imagine the look of hurt on your face when you found out that I have became a Master. I think that I could hear a mile away the sound of your heart crashing down on the floor. Now that I had torn away even your biggest dream.

I remember my first night with new title. I was sitting alone on wide rail of the balcony of Master's mansion, where party took place, just to celebrate my win. All trainers that showed their ID could enter, and it should have been a joyous and happy occasion.

It should.

I didn't feel like seeing anyone at all. The evening was... nice. Dark sky glowed with bright stars and cool breeze gave me enough strength to breathe. I heard the footsteps on the floor behind me and looked around to see one of the cheerleader's girls, whose name was Michelle. She handed me the drink she held in her hand.

"Thought you might need it."

I took it, nodding my head in silent thanks, but gently shoved her away when she cuddled my back and gave me a kiss on the cheek. She didn't mind my roughness though, I guess all of them got used to my harsh ways.

"Sorry." I whispered softly, sending her a ghost of my weak smile. "But I rather be alone now."

She nodded back at me and then walked away. I apologised her again, in my mind. I was never interested in any of them and I think they realised it long ago. Not that I didn't care for them, because I did. But the truth is, they were with me just to hold up my prestige.

I took a sip of my drink and my thoughts wandered off to you again. I once noticed the look of hurt in your eyes when you saw me with those girls. I never could make you happy, could I? All the time I refused to face the simple truth.

I was a coward. A weak coward.

I heard footsteps behind me again and this time I sighed in frustration. I definitely didn't need their company that night. Nor their consolation or pity.

"I thought I told you I wanted to be alone."

I looked back past my arm to see the last person I would expect.

You.

You leaned against the doorframe of balcony, with blank expression on your face. My eyes widened up but I still managed to hold the glass that almost slipped from my hand. I never would have thought to see you here, of all the places. You really grew up; if I haven't longed for you for so many years I think I might have not recognised you.

"Are you satisfied now?"

Your voice is calm, but I still can sense something hidden deep underneath it, some other emotion. Or was it just my imagination?

"Of course I am."

"Satisfied that you took away my dream?"

Now I can clearly hear the tone of hurt and it makes my heart ache. I turn around and get off the balcony rail, standing now on steady ground. You moved towards me, arms folded on your chest. You were so close I could almost feel the heat of your body. I faced you, with calm face but with fear in heart and I send you a nasty smile.

"I am, Ashy - boy... It was my greatest pleasure."

Your next move was so fast, that before I could ever react you hit me, hard and straight in the face. I stumbled on my back, the sound of broken glass pinned the attention of security guards and Officer Jenny. I motioned them to stay in place and they silently obeyed. I massaged my bruised cheek, feeling my face growing a bit numb. Did I make you that aggressive? And damn, you really got strong during all that time.

"I guess I deserved that."

You squat down next to me, your eyes never leaving mine even for a split second. I wondered how many thoughts rushed trough your head then. You were probably torn between a need to punch me again and need to apologise, I could see that shining through your gaze.

"Yeah. You did."

You slowly help me to get up, just like all my sins were suddenly forgotten. I call a waitress to bring us new drinks and after a minute or two we stand side to side on the balcony, leaning over the rail a bit. I watch you, as you run your fingers lazily over the edge of glass. You really have changed, developed from the boy I knew from my early years in Pallet.
Mature. That's a proper word.

The time flowed and we still remained in silence.

"I just don't get you." You whisper, your breath barely disturbing that stillness of night. I chuckle, but not in the mean attempt.

"Sometimes I don't get myself either."

I took the pack of cigarettes out from back pocket of my black jeans. You glare at me with disapproval when I light up one and inhale deeply.

"When did you start to smoke?"

I began to wonder. When? I remember trying it for the first time at one of the parties I was invited to. After that I used it to wash away my bad humor and feeling of guilt.

"Don't know. Two years ago, maybe."

"Well, you're an idiot then."

You really were moved, I couldn't believe it. You haven't seen me in so many years and you were still angry with me for such stupid reason. I took the cigarette out of my mouth and with one last inhale I flicked it over the railing of balcony. Little red dot fell into darkness of garden below us and disappeared shortly after.

"I'm an idiot in many ways, Ash."

We just stood there, leading something that could be barely called a shadow of conversation. I just felt more and more dizzy, stunned by your near presence. Or alcohol. Or just both.

When I asked you about your red - headed girlfriend your face was mixed up with so many emotions that I couldn't recognise. But I understood one thing; That she belonged to past now. As the silence between us grew stronger, we got more and more light-headed. Or, at least, I did, as you didn't show any signs of being drunk. I had a lot more drinks than you.

"Why did you leave without word?"

At first I couldn't understand your whisper, but when a realisation slowly sunk into my consciousness I knew you referred to the start of my journey, when I left Pallet for good and hadn't said goodbye to anybody. Not to my sister, grandfather, nor you. Just when I wanted to answer, to reply to all of your questions my knees finally gave away and I stumbled backwards. You caught me with silent yelp of surprise, as my weight fell on your side and you wound your arms around my waist to struggle for balance. I felt like I could die then, so close to you in your embrace, your warmth spreading trough my body with calming soothe.

You helped me to get on nearby chair and sat me down, until I slumped over the headboard. The look in your eyes back then... What was it? Sorrow? Pain?

Ash... would you pity me now?

Before I could stop myself I took your face in my hands. The amount of alcohol, still fresh in my veins, gave me additional courage. Now or never. Begin or end everything tonight. Those were my thoughts back then, when I kissed you for the first time in my life. It was foolish from my side to expect your response but I remember the nervous beating of my heart when I got to taste you. To my surprise you didn't shove me back, but also didn't respond. You tasted sweet and bitter at the same time; like bubble gum and alcohol you just drank.

When I moved away from you, you were still fully aware of what have I done. Your hands were clenched in fists. I wanted to tell something, anything, suddenly getting this stupid feeling of being uneasy. Too late.

You looked like you wanted to punch me again, but you did nothing. I waited for the blow and would have accepted it with full responsibility. But you just stood up, moving to exit, never looking back at me even once. I leaned my head heavily on the headboard as you disappeared from my sight.

"I guess... I deserved that too."


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


I don't really have an idea how I survived next month. It seemed that everything was still, like time was not flowing at all. I was trapped in my own thoughts and the distraction wouldn't come even from the mass of work I gained since I grabbed the title. I was tired already and I didn't know how long would I make it. But I knew one thing - I couldn't give up, otherwise you wouldn't have any other reason to remember about me.

The confusion and hurt in your eyes... I remembered them clearly. At first I thought you might even return what I have done... but I misunderstood your shock for acceptation. Later that night two of my girls helped me to get to my bed. I awoke next day with a hangover and huge feeling of guilt eating me from the inside.

Luckily for me, my actions from the night before went unnoticed for the press, so on the conference no one asked about you. I was glad; if they had asked me who I have kissed on the balcony, I wouldn't lie to them. I would have told them for how long I have waited for opportunity to kiss you, how long I wanted to make you mine.

Because I wanted to. Not to dominate you, but to have you for my own. I wasn't sure any more if cutting off every feeling was the best resolution for my aching heart. I have showed to you already how I fell about you and you pushed me away. What was the use of hiding it now?

"Mister Oak, a guest have arrived to meet you, but he wasn't appointed. Shall I let him enter?" A kind voice of my secretary run trough now empty training hall, where I watched my Charizard and Arcanine training together. I moved my portable intercom to my mouth.

"Who is he?" I decided that I would not accept a single journalist that day. I have had enough of them already.

"Ash Ketchum."

I gasped, hoping that it would go unnoticed by the secretary. I started to wonder suddenly. Did I really want to see you? What was the purpose of your visit? You probably would demand explanation, then you would deny everything I felt for you. Did I really wanted to hurt again?

"Let him in to my office. I will be there in a minute."

You waited for me while studying the awards on the shelves. I swear I could see your eyes widen when you noticed the inscriptions on some of them. You heard me as I entered the room, but refused to turn back.

"You have quite a collection here."

I smiled, standing in front of fireplace that was sending a wave of warmth towards me. Your voice was calm and angry at the same time. It's hard to explain, but I welcomed those two mixed emotions. When you turned around I could see that your eyes started to water.

"I really don't know what you tried to achieve. Did you want to make me feel even worse then I did?

I wanted to interrupt you, to tell you that this was the last thing I wanted, but you silenced me with your gaze.

"You got everything I ever wanted. Isn't that enough? You have to make me feel like... like I was dependent on you! Gods, Gary, how could you?"

I remained silent and I knew it was ticking you off. I wanted to say something... but my voice went dead in the back of my throat.

"Why?" You ask, your voice dangerously close to breaking up. It hurts me more than it hurts you Ash... Please believe me. When you repeat your question I still have no answer to give you. You ask me why? You could as well ask why do I breathe or eat. So I just shrug my arms and you stormed off to exit after giving the groan of frustration.

Dammit! Say something you idiot! Say something otherwise you won't see him ever again!

"Because..."

Your hand goes still just above the doorknob and you turn around to listen to me. I think I didn't have enough strength to look in your eyes but your gaze pierced mine and held it.

"Because I need you."

You raised your eyebrows but said nothing. Did your eyes soften or was that just my imagination?

"I need you." I repeated. "More than you could ever imagine, as far as I can remember." I turned my back on you, facing the fireplace now and staring at the raging flames. I couldn't look at you anymore, otherwise I wouldn't be able to tell you everything. "You are the one that pushed me forward, Ash. If you would forget me after leaving Pallet... I don't think I would be able to take it."

I heard your footsteps, soft against red carpet that lay on my floor. Have you left already? My words were wasted then. I guess nothing could change your mind, I have hunted you long enough. But I don't turn back. I in surprise when your hand dropped on my arm.

"Then... why you have changed that much? Why you kept pushing me away when I called you?"

I move my head only a little bit so I could see shape of your hand with the very corner of my eye.

"Because I am a coward, Ash."

You say nothing and I knew you were trying to get trough that statement, so I just kept talking. Now, as the flood of words went on I guess I just had to say everything that was eating my soul. It was like a confession.

"I left you... to have you close. It was easier... to lie to myself that I didn't care about you."

"You thought I would forget about my best friend after I would move on to Pokemon journey?"

"Yes."

A moment of silence and fear, when I thought you were about to laugh in my face. Instead I felt your arm slowly wounding around my waist in shy hug and I tensed in anticipation. Was that even possible that you...

"You really are an idiot."

I laughed, but still didn't move and allowed you to cuddle to my back.

"I would never do that. I cared about you too much."

Cared? Did you mean that you didn't anymore? I finally turned around when you kissed back of my neck. Facing you now I looked in your eyes.

"And now?"

"I still have to take that title back from you." You whispered and smiled, your arms never breaking the hug.

"Then chase after me." I whispered back, my lips upon yours. "Until I don't have strength to run any more."

With that last challenge I sealed your wounds with a kiss.



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A/N:
It was kind of short and simple, I hope you liked it. I agree that they are a bit OOC here, but lately I just can't stand teenage behavior and I rather make my characters more mature then they are in reality. Face it, Gary is 20 here - almost all people at that age smoked and got drunk at least once. They are adult. I prefer to write mature yaoi/shounen-ai.




MOYA - CHAN moya-chan@go2.pl



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