Dear Diary,
This is my second entry so far. You probably already know that, though, seeing as yesterday’s entry was the first. I think.
Let me check.
Yes, yesterday’s was the first entry in the Grand Journal of the High Lord of the Unknown Dungeon. A nice title, don’t you think? My creation, of course. Only an exquisite genius such as myself could come up with such a well-fitting title. And only my fantastic mind could turn a normal diary into a Grand Journal, a journal which quite possibly could be the holy book of the doomsday cults which will worship me when I begin my rise to world dominance.
I would laugh maniacally here, but my throat is sore from coughing on Parasect spores.
Anyway, let us move on to more important matters, such as the events of today. Well, I say ‘events’, as in ‘happenings’, but that word is incorrect in this context.
Nothing actually happened today.
God! Such boredom is stifling! Even the long stretches of alone time back in my tube in the laboratory didn’t compare to the mind-numbing lack of activity down in this godforsaken dungeon. At least things have improved from my last entry. I now have a clock.
Yet another rung on the ladder to world conquest has been climbed. I’ll be starting my genocidal campaign before I know it!
Well, not before I know it. Nothing gets past me. Nothing. They don’t call me the ultimate psychic Pokémon for nothing.
Except that they don’t call me that.
…Who is this ‘they’ anyway? And why are they referenced so often?
Bah, such thoughts are for the philistines that most often invoke those ‘they’. My mind is above such matters. Anyway, moving on from that matter…
It has recently come to my attention that my last entry, while being a veritable repository of information, was nonetheless incomplete. Yes, I rattled on and on about my surroundings, my lair, the other Pokémon around me, my eating habits, and all sorts of frankly boring tripe. Yes, that’s right, boring. The only truly interesting thing in this cave is myself. I’ll give you a few reasons.
One, I’m not a native, and as such I’m inherently interesting. How did I get here? Why did I come here?
Two, I’m unique. I’m the only Pokémon of my kind, and with good reason. Even I shudder at the thought of more “me’s”. One is enough – as long as I’m the one.
Three, I’m a powerful psychic. I bend spoons without meaning to, which is better than that pathetic Mr.Geller.
Four…I’m…uhm…awesome?
Note to self: ‘Awesome’ is a low-brow word used by those troglodytes called humans. Never, ever use it again.
Anyway, I think I’ve sufficiently proven why I’m the only thing interesting in this godforsaken cave. I mean, the societies that have emerged down here between the local communities of Sandslash and all that are worth some merit, but there’s a reason I was in a laboratory before I came here. I don’t know what it is, but it must have been important. I mean, why go to the trouble of having all those security measures and blast doors? And hiding it underneath a Mansion? I must have been quite the star.
But enough about that. I don’t think anyone wants to hear about how I broke out of my holding room and brutally killed everyone in my path before setting fire to the mansion and laughing madly while I watched it burn, the power, my GOD the power, it flowed through me like a stream of pure godliness, and they burned and screamed and flailed as I laughed and laughed and all the death, the explosions, the body parts, the blood! Oh, so much BLOOD!
Ahem.
Moving on.
Although, now that I think about it, there’s not much to move on to. I’ve talked about myself, so I think that’s all the areas covered. It’s quite disappointing, really. It’s the morning (at least, my clock says it’s roughly eleven in the morning), and I’ve run out of things to write about for now. Which means there’s only one thing to do, really.
I must make things to write about.
I suppose I could finally get around to doing that whole ‘world domination’ shenanigan I’ve been droning on about, along with a healthy side-order of ‘mass destruction against the innocent population’. Although those polluting, warlike, amoral baboons that rule the surface could hardly be called innocent.
I really need to find more demeaning adjectives for humans. It’s getting a bit stale by using variations on the whole ‘ape’ theme. That can wait, however. For now, I have my objective:
I must do something worthy of being written down in this journal. I can’t have an entry of sub-par length, oh no.
…I wonder if this is what it feels like being a bored teenager. Having to make your own entertainment, no matter how destructive it may be.
Now I just need to think of what I could do.
Aha! The Electrodes! I have shunned them ever since I came to reside in this cave, but if I were to ally with them…I would have a force of sentient bombs at my disposal! The world would be my Cloyster!
Oh, Mewtwo, you are a genius. Although giving away your name just to stroke your ego is a pretty stupid move.
Oh well.
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Well…I must say, that went well. Much more smoothly than I expected. I’ll give you an update, journal.
It’s now…one in the afternoon. Two hours ago, I departed from my lair in search for whoever leads those Electrodes, my aim of course being to create an alliance with them. Or a working relationship, at least. After some searching (interspersed with me having to dodge Electrodes as they exploded for no reason at all), I found what seems to be the ruling party in what passes for a society of those bombs with brains. We discussed matters over a spot of lunch (well, I ate; they just sat around and talked amongst themselves about something; exploding, probably) before I made my proposition. If I could provide them with an extra source of electrical power, they would gladly work for me when I needed them.
Electrodes, meet my friends, the Raichu; all the power you need.
Even after that masterstroke, there were a few issues that needed smoothing out before they finally agreed. I had to respect their territory (which didn’t bother me that much; entering their territory is like walking into a minefield where the mines move), and I couldn’t call them unless it was urgent. I agreed, and the Mewtwo – Electrode Alliance was created.
Although, I swore I could hear some of them sniggering as I left…oh well. Don’t really care right now. It’s time to just kick back and relax, I think…
Hang on. An Electrode diplomatic group? Didn’t we only make this alliance like, an hour ago? I’ll be right back; have to see what these morons want.
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Those bastards.
Turns out that this whole alliance thing was a joke to them. A joke! Ohh, those little retarded balls of explosives will pay for this. They will pay dearly.
That ‘diplomatic group’ that just arrived at the entrance to my lair decided to tell me it was a joke in the most succinct way they could.
They exploded in my face.
The only thing stopping me from wiping them all out – all of them – is that fact that I hurt all over. Ohh, by the gods I hurt so much. Six simultaneous explosions within three feet of your person is not good for your health. It hurts to think, let alone write all this down.
Farewell, journal. I need a rest. Tomorrow, you shall bear witness to the greatest Electrode massacre the world has ever seen.
Ever.