Star Latias and the Nine Vertical Pies
A Pokémon
Tale by Latios
Author’s
Foreword: If you’re familiar with the video game Star Fox 64, you’ll
notice that many of the characters in this work resemble characters from that
game. Nevertheless, I have tried to
stay true to the spirit of Pokémon by injecting some Dannichu-style insanity (I
confess it really is a shame she’s not yet working for The Pokémon Company—she
could be making fans ever more wildly in love with Pokémon and raking in the
cash, too!). Being a fiercely loyal
Pokémon fan, I have made every effort to ensure that the Pokémon characters
assume the roles, but not the personalities, of Fox McCloud and his friends. September 12, 2003
Author’s
Dedication: I dedicate this work to Dannichu, not only because she is a
brilliant author who makes outstanding humorous works, but also because her
phrase from Fun in Cyberspace gave me the idea for the final boss in
this story! I also credit Dragonfree
a.k.a. Butterfree and especially Sarah the Swinub for conceiving the phrases
that Dannichu used. Who could have
imagined that a bunch of inverted baked goods could harness so much literary
potential?
In the year 2028, there was a prosperous, bustling planet inhabited entirely by Pokémon who had effectively adopted the technologies of human beings, to create a realm that rivaled even planet Earth. Every time a Clefairy-owned spaceship touched down, the immigrants made a stop at the nearby Riceria Interplanetary Air Force Base to hear General Pikachu speak to the Kantonians, Johtonians, Hoennians, and Bloatonians about the duties and responsibilities of living on this fair planet. They called it Riceria because of the vast rice paddies that grew like weeds in the large, swampy regions that covered much of the planet’s surface.
One
of the premier founding families of Riceria was the legendary Dragonia
clan. Far from being a group of
arrogant, narrow-minded barbarians, as many would assume a family of dragons to
be, the Dragonias were among some of the most benevolent and dedicated members
of society. The Dragonias were a small
but proud group, composed of just two members—the sibling dragons, Latias and
Latios. Their previous endeavors at the
art of sedition in overthrowing the world’s first digital realm, The Box, (see
my fan fiction by the same title for more information), brought them much fame
and prestige, and their successes in the Air Force only confirmed their
talents. Latias, in particular, was
highly skilled in completing the most dangerous missions that even her older
brother thought crazy to attempt: destroying a massive meteor just minutes
before it crashed into the planet, redirecting a stray spaceship back to
Riceria, and even dog-fighting with technologically sophisticated Team Rocket
fighter jets that invaded the Riceria skies.
What was especially remarkable about the Dragonias’ skills as warriors
was that neither of them flew a jet themselves, let alone fired a gun or
blasted a bomb. Their psychic powers
and ability to fly with their own wings allowed them to conduct war with no
casualties; instead of annihilating a ship to the point of destroying
everything inside, for instance, they could disable the craft while preserving
the lives of the people inside.
Because
of their heroic deeds and their constant attention to the sanctity of life,
General Pikachu dubbed them Star Knights, meaning that they were to be
addressed as “Star Latias” and “Star Latios.”
They not only had the honor of becoming Star Knights, but of becoming
Riceria’s very first Star Knights, the aristocrats among the grunts.
[General Pikachu sits in a computer-controlling center, as the radar screens indicate no enemy craft approaching Riceria. He happily gnaws on an apple while polishing the golden Ho-oh adorning his general’s hat, and his advisors, Totodile and Cyndaquil, casually chat with each other. Suddenly, a bunch of red lights mounted on the ceiling glow, and an ominous buzzer blares as the voice of a Mr. Mime screams,]
Mr.
Mime: Incoming enemy! Incoming
enemy! UFO sighted at 36° west and 45°
north!
[As
General Pikachu spits out a chunk of apple and thrusts his hat on his head,
Totodile and Cyndaquil dash up to a computer while Pikachu runs up to them.]
General
Pikachu: Totodile, can you get a more detailed radar map?
Totodile:
Okay, here’s the Base . . . and there’s Jet Hangar #2 . . .
Cyndaquil:
He wants an aerial map, you moron!
We’re under attack by aircraft and you give us a bird’s eye view!?
Totodile:
It appears that ground forces have made contact, and about twenty small craft
are circling Riceria City!
General
Pikachu: Crud! Are we going to have a
naval battle, too?
Cyndaquil:
It would appear so, sir. [Points to a
large white dot on the blue ocean rendered on-screen.]
General
Pikachu: Mobilize all units, immediately!
[Totodile
and Cyndaquil frantically call up field commanders on their videophones, while
Pikachu makes a personal call to Star Latias and Star Latios.]
General
Pikachu: Star Latias and Star Latios!
We need your help! Air forces
are closing in on Riceria city and threaten to destroy everything in
sight!
Star
Latios: Say “please.”
General
Pikachu: [Urgently.] “Please!”
Star
Latios: Say “pretty please.”
General
Pikachu: [Rolling his eyes.] “Pretty
please!”
Star
Latios: Say “pretty please with a cherry on top and marshmallows and chocolate
syrup and vanilla ice cream and nuts and—“
[Star
Latias shoves aside Star Latios as she gets to the camera.]
Star
Latias: Please forgive my dear brother.
He had one too many custard pastries and he’s feeling a bit silly—
Star
Latios: [Shouting, shoving his face in front of Star Latias.] There is no end and no beginning! There is ONLY—CUSTARD—PASTRIES!
Star
Latias: I’ve flipped like that before, too.
He should be back to normal in just a minute. [Pushes aside Star Latios.]
How can we help you, General?
General
Pikachu: Destroy all units!
Charge! No, seriously—stop the
ships before they go any further, then head to Kadabross’ base on the planet
Poison. Shut down the base, and bring
Kadabross to Riceria City.
Star
Latias: We won’t let you down, sir!
[Star
Latias and Star Latios fly at 450 miles per hour through the stifling
heat. Half a mile away from Riceria City,
enemy craft begin firing bursts of laser energy at the Star Knights.]
Star
Latios: Whoa! [Dodges blasts from enemy
craft by flying all through the sky.]
Analyzing enemy shields . . . it appears that robots control all these. Yes, they’re definitely mechanized!
Star
Latias: Then what are we waiting for?
Fire away!
[Star
Latias and Star Latios quickly destroy all of the small, mechanized craft,
watching the metal spheres succumb to bursts of Psychic and Luster Purge, at
multiplied power.]
Star
Latias: That was suspiciously easy . . . [A giant flying cow appears, looming
larger and larger.] I knew it was too
good to be true . . .
SpongeBobSquarePants:
[From inside the cow.] Ah, so this is
Star Latias and her knuckleheaded brother, Star Latios! I am going to crush you!
Star
Latios: We’ll see about that, you moldy sponge!
SpongeBobSquarePants:
[Sends out high-powered streams of pressurized milk at the Star Knights, and
both get dripping wet.]
Star
Latias: What kind of an attack was that!?
SpongeBobSquarePants:
I’m not done yet! [Sends out a robotic
Pikachu to shock them both. Neither one
dodges the bolts.]
Star
Latios: Absorb the energy, Latias!
[Star
Latias and Star Latios store the energy.]
Star
Latios: Keep absorbing! . . . All right, I’ll take out the Pikachu. You take out the rest of the cow!
[Star
Latios releases a huge ball of psychoelectric energy that destroys the robotic
Pikachu, as the parts fall into the sea, making an enormous splash.]
SpongeBobSquarePants:
Impressive. But look at this! It’s my Wheel of Gloppy Cheese! No one can resist the Wheel of Gloppy
Cheese! Feel the wrath of Kadabross! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
[The
Wheel of Gloppy Cheese flies out, and swallows Star Latias in one gulp. With a noisy belch, it flies back to the
cow.]
Star
Latios: Latias!
[Suddenly,
the Wheel flies into the exhaust pipe of the cow, and the engine stops.]
SpongeBobSquarePants:
What? My cow ship! Argh!
[Attempts to restart the ship, but to no avail.] Uh-oh . . .
[The
cow ship shoots electric bolts from the exhaust pipe, which travel through the
body of the ship and shock SpongeBobSquarePants. The ship then explodes, with Star Latias making a dramatic exit
from the flames, like a phoenix rising from its own consummation.]
SpongeBobSquarePants:
My emperor! I have failed you! Kadabross shall never be defeated! [SpongeBobSquarePants flies through the air
and lands in the sea a mile away from his ship, which sinks, burning, in the
foamy water.] Ack! Plubt!
I’m drowning! . . . Oh, yeah . . . I’m a sponge . . . heh . . . I thrive
in water. I wonder where Patrick is? .
. .
Latios:
Sorry to all you SpongeBobSquarePants fans out there, but he and Patrick scare
me, frankly! . . .
Star
Latios: How did you do that?
Star
Latias: I had a Dreaded Game Link Cable with me. The Wheel obeyed my commands once it digested the Cable, so it
sabotaged the SpongeBobSquarePants craft.
Star
Latios: You’ve earned your title many times over, dear sister.
Star
Latias: And you, too, dear brother. Who
knows? Maybe you’ll pull off the next
great feat of the Star Knights Duo!
[Star
Latias and Star Latios blast off into the blue sky, the sun shining in the
background, while smoke continues to rise from where the cow was.]
[Star Latias and Star Latios enter the atmosphere of a purple planet much removed from Riceria.]
Star
Latios: We’re entering the planet Poison!
Star
Latias: [Sarcastically.] There sure
weren’t very many enemy craft along the way, were there?
Star
Latios: [Sarcastically.] Oh no, just a
giant Oreo™ cookie, a pair of dancing pants, a rubber ball that traveled at the
speed of light, a battery with pink spots, a deranged bread maker, and a Mewtwo
clone, not to mention the radioactive skeletons and the exploding teeth!
Star
Latias: What about the robotic Tom Jones that danced the hula and spat grapes
at us while sneezing “Jingle Bells” and playing the accordion to “She Loves
You”?
Star
Latios: Now that was weird. I’m
not going to forget that anytime soon.
You can count on that!
[Star
Latias and Star Latios approach a giant brown mushroom-shaped building painted
with red stars all over it. Four
stealth craft emerge from inside.]
Star
Latias: Oh, great, just what we need—Star Mightyena.
Star
Mightyena: You punks are going nowhere.
Star
Kecleon: Just keep your mouth shut, you [expletive]!
Star
Primeape: Bow before the great Kadabross!
Star
Grumpig: We’re the Star Mightyena Team!
And we’re going to kick your [expletive] from here to the Mushroom
Kingdom!
Star
Latios: You guys swear a lot, don’t you?
Star
Kecleon: [Expletive] you, you [expletive] [expletive]!
Star
Latios: That is so pedestrian. Can’t
you think of a better insult, you rump-fed runnion? [Author’s Note: I got this insult from Shakespeare’s Macbeth.]
Star
Kecleon: [Expletive]! [Expletive]! [Expletive]!
Star
Latios: Why don’t you use a word that general audiences will actually be able
to read?
Star
Kecleon: Who the [expletive] is censoring my [expletive] lines!? I thought this was a [expletive] free
country!
Star
Latios: Actually, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled over 50 years ago in Chaplinsky
v. New Hampshire that the First Amendment does not protect lewdness,
libel, obscenity, and fighting words, because they’re not essential to expressing
ideas.
Star
Kecleon: [Expletive]! So I can’t say
what the [expletive] I want, when the [expletive] I want to?
Star
Latios: Evidently not.
Star
Kecleon: But this is Poison, not the United States.
Star
Latios: Ah, but an American is writing our lines!
Star
Kecleon: All right, then . . . Lard-tonsils!
Star
Latios: Cheese-arm!
Star
Kecleon: Moose-feet!
Star
Latios: Bubble-gut!
Star
Kecleon: Pizza-face!
Star
Latios: Pie-eyes!
Star
Mightyena: Fools! You mentioned the
Forbidden Word! Now, the wrath of the
Nine Vertical . . . erm . . . Baked-Goods-That-Must-Not-Be-Named will be upon
us!
Star
Grumpig: Waaah! Mommy!
Star
Primeape: I see them!
[Nine
vertical pies emerge from the giant mushroom-shaped building, baked to a golden
brown. Each one is five miles in
diameter, and each one is quarter-mile thick.
One of them lands on Star Latios, smashing him into the ground, giant
apple slices and cinnamon sauce oozing everywhere.]
Star
Grumpig: Look at all that pie!
[A
pie falls on Star Grumpig, while Kadabross emerges.]
Kadabross:
Mwa ha ha! Come and get me! I alone control the Nine Vertical
Thingies! With my them and my
all-vegetable compass, no one can stop me from ruling the universe! Now, what Greek letter represents a constant
that is approximately equal to 3.14? . . .
Star
Primeape and Star Kecleon: π!
[A
pie falls on Star Primeape, and another on Star Kecleon.]
Star
Latias: NO! They don’t know the
difference between “π” and “pie!”
[Two
pies fall on Star Latias.]
Star
Mightyena: Kadabross, you’re insane!
Kadabross:
Well, I am the Kadabra from Fun in Cyberspace, so what did you expect?
Star
Mightyena: [Smirking to himself as he flies around.] Why did you change your name, anyway?
Kadabross:
Because I love boiled sandwiches and sliced eggs.
Star
Mightyena: Anything else!? . . .
Kadabross:
And . . . because . . . because . . . because . . . because . . .
Star
Mightyena: Yes, go on . . .
Kadabross:
Because . . . of all the wonderful things he does!
Star
Mightyena: Whom?
Kadabross:
Rrgh . . . D’oh . . . I can’t take it anymore!
It’s Mr. PIE! PIE! PIE!
Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha—ah ha ha ha ha ha—
[The
last of the Nine Vertical Pies fall on Kadabross.]
Star
Mightyena: Awesome! I get all the hits
that the Star Knights got . . . wow, I got enough for nine more Arwings! I should get a medal! I completely defied the title of this
story! Thank you Mr. Pie, wherever you
are! . . .
[Mr.
Pie, who is just like one of the Nine Vertical Pies, apparates into the
sky. He falls upon Star Mightyena, the
apples oozing and mixing with apples from the Nine Vertical Pies.]
Mr.
Pie: I am the Tenth Vertical Pie. Now,
I am the hero. And remember, kids,
these hallowed words of wisdom: “Pie is not a food. Pie is what you get after you eat your food.”—Tess from the Touched
by an Angel TV series.