EPISODE V: THE GANGSTA STRIKES LIGHTLY

James made it out of the studio barely alive, with only his underwear on.  His pants were eaten by Mariah Carey, and fortunately for him, she missed her intended target.  Other men were not as fortunate.  Missy Elliot gobbled down his shirt.  Before the shoot, James had accidentally dripped some ketchup on his shirt.  He would soon not forget the dangers of stray dressing and overweight rap artists.  Puff Daddy got arrested for shooting at both Mariah and Missy.  He was hoping to get acquitted soon by the court, but, seeing as he’s in Japan, he’ll be actually given what is called a fair trial.   Chinese water torture while listening to his own rap songs and repeatedly being slammed gut first by Japan's Yokozuna (champion sumo) is the expected punishment.
“I made it!!!  Now I have to find Jessie and tell her how much I...I love her!!!” James grunted.
A small, yet familiar talking cat approached him, “Hey Jimmy!!!  What’cha doin on da’ coib practically naked?!”
“Meowth?!  Is that really you?!”
“No, I’m Garfield on Ecstasy.  OF COIS’ IT’S ME!!!”
“What are you doing here?!”
“We hafta get to Tokyo!!!  Haven’t you heard da news?!  Our show’s coming back on da air, but we hafta save Jessie!!!  She and da twoips are in serious danger!!!  That purple dinosaur Barney and some anime characters have leveled Tokyo and have some plan to end da woild!!”
“BARNEY???!!!  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!  When I was a young lad at my estate, and before Barney ever made it to the big time on PBS, he worked as a high-priced striptease callboy!!!”
“CALLBOY!!!  How do I know ya ain’t lyin’!!!” Meowth asked.
“HE JUMPED OUT OF THE CAKE AT MY UNCLE’S BACHELOR PARTY!!!    I’VE BEEN TRAUMATIZED EVER SINCE!!!!!!  HAVE YOU EVER SEEN MIDDLE-AGED MEN DANCE THE RUMPSHAKER WITH BARNEY IN A TRANSPARENT THONG WITH PINK SEQUINS COVERING HIS NIPPLES???!!!”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Meanwhile...in a totally unrelated comic-book universe several dimensions away from the anime world...

Generation X (the young mutant team from Marvel Comics) was called in front of Professor X.
“My young mutants...today you have been called to witness a discovery Wolverine made while taking a crap.  These seven strange orange balls with black stars on them smacked Wolverine on the ass as he was...excreting.”
Beast came in and continued, “I’ve researched what these balls might be, and from my research into Japanimation cartoons, these are what would be known as Dragonballs.  They must’ve come into our world from another dimension...”
Jubilee snickered and said, “Hey wait, I know!!!  You can use those big, round balls to summon the dragon Shenron and make wishes!!!  Come on, guys, what we should we wish for!!!”
After much deliberation and repeated requests from Professor X for a “hair” wish, they decided to bring back to life one of their old teammates, Mondo (the fat guy with the mutant ability to morph into inorganic forms)
Shenron appeared, “Make your wish now!!!”
Synch yelled out, “Bring Mondo back to life, foo’!!!”

Back in the anime world...
“What?!  I’m back?!  How?!” Mondo said while scrambling around in the snow, “ But, where’s my Sailor Jupiter doll?!”
Back at Gekko base, Tracey was called by one of his effeminate generals, “Tracey-kins!!!  I’ve spotted Mondo out in the snow!!!  What should I do?!”
“Mondo?!  I thought Ash and Jigglypuff killed him!!!  Umm, blow him away.  Oops!!!  Can’t say the word “blow” in front of these guys.  Umm...kill him.”
“Let’s BLOW guys!!!”
BOOOOM!!!!!!  BOOOOOM!!!
“AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!”  Mondo yelled as he was blown to bloody bits.

Back in the unrelated comic book X-Men dimension...
“Where the hell’s Mondo, you f!@in’ dragon!!!” Jubilee yelled while Synch attempted to cop a feel of her ass.
Shenron scratched his head and spoke, “Umm...there seems to be an inconsistency.  You bastards forgot that I come from the anime world.  I summoned Mondo, the Team Rocket member.  I'm not familiar with the Mondo that you speak of...”
“What’s Team Rocket, foo’?” Synch asked just before getting punched by Jubilee.
“Team Rocket are the bad guys from Pokemon, bub” Wolverine said, “ they’re always bothering Ash, Misty, and whoever the third wheel is at the given moment.”
Jubilee exclaimed, “Wolvie, you’re into Pokemon?!”
“...*gulp*...Pikachu is hip!!!...err...let’s keep trying to wish Mondo back!!!  SHENRON!!!  Bring Mondo back!!!”

Back in the anime world...
Mondo rematerialized and said, “Man, that laser got up my butt.  SAILOR JUPITER!!!  Where are you, Lita-poo?!”
Back at Gekko base, Tracey was called yet again by Commander Queerfellow, “Tracey-kins...Mondo’s still not dead, and he’s still walking around the snow calling out Sailor Jupiter’s name for some reason.”
Tracey groaned, “He’s still alive?!  Jam the mega-harpoon up his ass and stop bothering me?!  I’m trying to draw a new hentai series featuring Giselle and me, err I mean...uhh...damn!!!*drools and blushes*.”
The gay commander yelled,“Fire the harpoon up his ass!!!  Why am I so aroused?!”
FWIP-SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!  Squirt!!! (Bits and pieces of Mondo everywhere...)

Back in the unrelated comic-book X-Men dimension...
Sounding like Capt. Picard from Star Trek, Prof. X yells, “Shenron, you f!$%in’ bastard!!!  Mondo’s still not here!!!  Wolverine, the next time you take a crap, try to teleport the writers of our comic so we can correct these stupid plot holes!!!”
“Umm, all the writers got fired,bub.  Generation X got canceled.”
“Sh*t”
Shenron sweatdropped, “Umm, Professor Xavier.  I only have one wish left.  Have you considered a wish for hair?  I do a mean afro...”
“GGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

In Tokyo...

“Ashy...oh, Ashy...” Misty blushes as she looks at Sextoshi-Ash flexing his muscles while Tai whimpers in the corner.
The referee calls the round and the bell rings.  PING!!!
Sextoshi quickly jumped in and uppercutted Tai.  Tai flew high into the sky, hurtled through the stratosphere, and into the recesses of space.
“IT’S A WORLD RECORD!!!  FASTEST BOUT IN SPORTS HISTORY!!!  3 SECONDS!!!” J.R. yelled while Stone Cold clutched his bald head in shock, “Dammit, J.R. where the hell do you think Tai went?!”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!” Tai yelled as he disproved the laws of physics by making an audible girl-like scream into the darkness of space until...BANG!!!  Tai hit a red, penis-shaped spaceship, which quickly threw him inside upon impact.
Tai fell into the cockpit (no pun intended) only to run into Jim Hawking, Suzuka, and Aisha KlanKlan, all wearing ear and nose plugs.
"Wuhh....what happened?  How did  I get here?!" Tai said, the effects of Barney's brainwashing wearing off after getting punched by Sextoshi.
“oooh....uuuhhhh.....aaaahhh....yeah, right there...oh Gene...”  Repeated moaning,  giggling, and peculiar smells were coming from the distance.
“Hey, you guys are from Outlaw Star, right?!  What’s happening?!”
Jim yelled like a maniac, “IT’S GENE!!!  HE’S BEEN HUMPING THE CIRCUITS OUT OF MELFINA EVER SINCE WE LEFT SENTINEL!!!  I DON’T THINK SHE’LL BE ABLE TO PILOT THE SHIP ANYMORE!!!”
Gilliam, the ship’s computer added, “The smell coming from their sexual intercourse is catching on some of the ship’s external hardware.  I told Gene not to install leather seats...”
Suzuka frowned, “I can’t believe that pervert chose this point in time to be committed!!!  I wanted to hump the casters out of him!!!  Oh well...”
Aisha groaned, “You too?!  I was hoping this’d be my first time with a human...dammit!!!”
“Umm, how long ago did they start?!” Tai asked innocently.
“16 HOURS AGO!!!  Wan’ some ear and nose plugs?!”
“WWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Misty threw Togepi to Jessie and hugged Sextoshi, “Ashy, now that you’ve won the match, what are you going to do now?”
“I’M GOIN TO “MISTYLAND”!!!” Sextoshi-Ash yelled with the enthusiasm of a Super Bowl champ as he carried Misty away from the ring and headed towards the Millenium Puffer, furnished with very expansive bedrooms, by the way....
Jessie growled, “OH NO YOU DON’T!!!  TOGEPI, WE HAVE TO STOP THEM OR PARENTS ACROSS AMERICA ARE GONNA SUE NINTENDO, 4KIDS, GAMEFREAK, AND THAT JERKWEASEL WHO OVER-MARKETED POKEMON TO FICKLE 5-YEAR OLDS!!!”
Togepi poke-spoke, “Umm, don’t we want that guy sued anyway?”
“TOGEPI!!!  Umm, you do have a point, but if that happens, our show’ll be canceled and you and Pikachu will probably go back to working on Cardcaptors with flat-chested Sakura,” Jessie said casually.
“PRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!! (NNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!)”

As Jessie and Togepi chased a horny Sextoshi-Ash and Misty into the Millenium Puffer, Pikachu and pals were still getting chased by Metalgreymon.
Pikachu pokeyelled,"Dammit, author!!!  How the hell do you expect us to beat this thing!!!"
(A/N ...Use this plot hole, Chu...let your feelings go...Agumon loves striptease...)
Pikachu all of a sudden got in touch with the plot hole and took notice of a small striptease stage planted by the author's magic plot hole device.  All the pokemon rallied around the stage and whipped out some cash and pokehowled, "Take it off!!!  Woo-hoo!!!"
Metalgreymon all of a sudden blushed and started dancing and swinging on the pole on the stage, shaking its metal hips left and right and fondling its butt go-go style.
Chikorita pokeyelled, "SCREW ASH!!!  I WAN' SOME O' THAT HOT, SWEATY DIGIMON ASS!!!"
Bulbasaur pokesaid, "I'm actually getting turned on by this...how 'bout you Squirtle?"
"Well, that worked," Heracross pokespoke, "Snorlax, you have another dollar?!"
Pikachu sweatdropped, "Well, now that that's taken care of, I wonder how Jigglypuff is doing?"

Jigglypuff and Barney, after several hours of Dragonball Z-like procrastination, pointless narration, and even more pointless cutscenes of the battlefield, are finally ready to fight.
“KAO-PUFF ATTACK!!!” Jigglypuff yelled as it rammed full speed into Barney’s gut.  Barney reeled back, but quickly regained his senses and started shooting lots of energy beams.  Jigglypuff dodged them all and quickly flew towards Barney and started punching and kicking.  Barney kept dodging the attacks, but got elbowed on the head.  Recovering quickly, Barney whipped out one of his arms, “BARNET GUN!!!”
Jigglypuff caught the Barnet Gun and held it for a while, then deflected it into space, where it whizzed past the Outlaw Star ship and collided with Planet Namek, but fortunately, only half of it got blown away this time.
A Namek scratched his head and groaned, “Oh, sh!t...Guru lived on that half of the planet...”
Jigglypuff and Barney both went into turbo mode, and no one was able to see them fighting.  Exhausted, Barney and Jigglypuff stopped and hesitated for a moment.
“BARNEE!!!  YOU HAF TASTED ONLY A BEET OF MY POWER!!!  PREPARE AS I DO MORE DRAGONBALL ZEE-LIKE PROCRASTINATION BY CHARGING UP MY CHI TO IMPOSSIBLE LEVELS FORR AN EXTENDED PEERIOD OF TIME UNTEEL ZE NEXT EPISODE, LEEVING MYSELF COMPLETELY OPPEN TO ATTACK, OFF WHICH YOO WEEL NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF!!!”
“UH-HOHO...UHH...OKAY!!!”

While they did that, Sailor Mars was trying to slap Brock the Pimpawan back into his senses, “Mr. Brock!!!  Get up!!!  Allen is here with Sailor Minimoon and Pegasus and they’re ready to kick my cute, little booty!!!”
Brock drooled, “Cute...little booty...heh-heh.”
Sailor Moon blushed and thought, “He’s kinda cute when he makes those innocent yet perverted statements,” but quickly yelled, “GET UP, YOU HORNY JERK!!!  WE HAVE A LONG-HAIRED GIRLY-MAN, AN ANNOYING LITTLE GIRL WITH A BAD WEAVE, AND A FARTIN’ HORSE’S ARSES TO KICK!!!”
“Uhh, right!!!” Brock jumped up, pulled out his pimp cane(the weapon of the Pimpawan), and yelled, “I am Brock and in the name of horny Pimpawans everywhere, I will punish you!!!”
Sailor Minimoon growled, “You ripped off my mom!!!  Kick his Pimpawan balls in, Allen!!!”
“In the name of long-haired wusses everywhere, I will pun...err, I mean...CHARGE!!!” Allen yelled.

Meanwhile, Sextoshi-Ash and Misty found a pretty nice bedroom in the Millenium Puffer, designed with a 1-foot thick steel door only capable of being opened by handprint ID.  Jessie and Togepi were banging away at the door while Sextoshi-Ash and Misty pondered how to get rid of the chastity belt.
Misty yelled,“Ash!!!  Don’t just stand there!!!  Get this friggin' chastity belt offa me so we can get it on!!!”
“Umm...yeah but how?!”
“Don’t ask me, Mr. “Deity of Lust and Sexual Pleasure”!!!  You’re a demigod, so you must have some kind of supernatural abilities!!!”
Sextoshi-Ash thought for a bit, “...Oh yeah...I can “charm” the chastity belt off!!!  C’mon Misty, we have to do something usually associated with pre-sex romance...”
“You mean...?!”
“Yeah, let’s drink some wine cooler and do some sensuous dancing and nauseous sweet talk!!!”
“Okay!!!”

Jessie sweatdropped as she heard some weird music playing through the bottom of the steel door.
(insert any Barry White song..."Aww, baby...)
"BARRY WHITE?!  The horny, fat black singer?!  Now they're gonna deflower each other for sure!!! "Togepi, what are we gonna do now?!"